It had never been a fairy tale romance, I realize now he was just another person I was trying to save. Despite its shaky foundation, we built a life together.
Seven years of my life invested in something that was never meant to be. When the pieces don’t fit, they don’t fit and no amount of forcing them will make it happen.
Seven years of living under a cloud of his anger. Seven years of living with my disappointment, slowly becoming a bitter person I no longer recognized. Seven years of giving up everything I am in order to stay afloat. People have asked “if you knew what he was like, why did you marry him?”
When you’re in that kind of relationship, it’s not as easy as an outsider would think to just walk away. When he tells you he’s sorry and he will never do it again, you believe him. You hold on to the good times, and make excuses for the bad. You blame yourself. He blames you, and you believe it. And slowly you begin to believe you don’t deserve any better. Eventually you believe it is your fault. So you stay.
We had a baby in October of 2012. We tried for two years to have him, had started to give up hope that it was going to happen. I lost my father on New Years Day of 2012 and six weeks later learned I was pregnant. A little miracle.
I thought a baby would be the thing that made him change- he didn't want to get better for me but he certainly would for his child, right? Instead of getting better, he had an affair. When I found out, I decided to stay with him and try to make it work, which should tell you a bit about how much I valued myself. I started going to counselling, working hard to take responsibility for my part in what caused our marriage to break down.
I thought things would be okay, but it was only a honeymoon stage. Just a few weeks after my world turned upside down, it spun again. His father passed away and that was the end of us. He couldn't cope, he lashed out at me and pushed me away. I found out he was still seeing her. And that he was in love with her.
Now I am adapting to my life without him. Six weeks after I found out everything, I moved my 15 month old son and I seven hours up north, back to my hometown. Close family friends have opened their home to us, where we have the opportunity to get back on our feet.
Life has handed me a big bag of lemons. Please join me on my journey, as I figure out how to turn them into lemonade.
